Writing Free

In some respects, I’ve had an awful day. Just busy, then bored, relaxed, then stressed, constantly flicking between one state and the other. Some things happened today that continue to reside in my mind and heart, affecting my very actions, even to the point of doing this post.

I’m not writing this out of anger, I’m writing it to release things. A a Christian, how do we react to stress, how do we react to the hustle and bustle of modern life? Even if we have problems in our lives, how do we react to them?

I was telling a friend last night about my hearing, not my testimony per se, but more about how much I have to cope with it. Maybe this would create an understanding of my desire to a: sleep and b: relax.

I have some persistent tinnitus in the ear. This ear doesn’t hear real sounds so well, so it’s pretty much this whistling/whining sound in my ear that I cannot get rid of. I’ll let you in on something. Before you start to feel guilty, it’s taught me great patience. How would I learn patience in any other way?

How do I react? Am I angry? No. Am I happy? Again, no.

It’s important to understand that there are many things outside of our control, and we can’t do anything about them. Many of them could cause us grievance, but we shouldn’t let them. My ears give me so much emotional and personal hassle, and yet I do not let them beat me. Sometimes it does start to get the better of me, and it’s hard for people to understand the pain it causes. I pick myself up, and walk on.

It wouldn’t be fair to say that it hasn’t shaped the way I live my life. It has. Yet some things in my life I have overcome and moved on, not letting these issues continue to get in my way.

I read about someone who had survived the 7/7 terrorist attacks on the tube in London. She lost a leg, and had to be resuscitated on the way to hospital. Did she give up? No. The human spirit is a wonderful thing, and she managed to adapt her life without both legs, and a chance encounter with a group allowed her to fulfil the dream holiday of going skiing. Her attitude shone out to me more than anything. She carried on, because otherwise the paramedic’s work would have been in vain.

There’s the story of a man, who God allowed to endure the most harrowing series of upsets in his life, and then sat back and marveled at the response. That man was Job, who lost his most immediate family, his home, livelihood, even his health. I just remember people around him saying ‘curse God and die!’, but he remained resolute, and was blessed in the end. The only thing is that the writer spares us the grief that Job must have gone through during this transition. It’s important to note that, because at the other end we are told he became blessed with a new house, new livelihood, and new family.

Things will always come against us as Christians. Today for me, I’ve had a lot of personal hassles to deal with, and yet I’m not letting those be a bitter pill for me. Yes there are things to resolve from them, but I’m prepared to leave it and move on. I don’t really have any scriptural quotes to reinforce this. It could be simple to say look at the disciples, their transformation during Jesus’ crucifixion and then His resurrection, His ascension into heaven, and finally the outpouring of the church. Did they look back at their grief, their disbelief and denial, like Peter? It may occasionally have preyed on their minds, but they pressed on forwards. Like Paul wrote, I press on towards the goal. An athlete will continue the race, not looking back at a failure earlier on during the race.

I remember many Formula One races where mistakes are made, or caused by other racers. What happens? Do they dwell on it? Stew in the bitterness that can ensue from being run off the track?

By no means. Pedal to the metal once more. The chequered flag is the goal. That’s it. As my sister would say in her own brand of counselling - ’suck it up’.

Well, I would have normally spent some time at the fiancee’s on a sunday afternoon after church.  Today was not the case.  Besides having some of the bridesmaids down from St Albans (all the dress are a perfect fit, only minor adjustments nearer to the date) and that my flat resembled something more like Beiruit or Kosovo than an actual home, I had to do some serious catching up with cleaning, tidying and generally keeping my own personal life in order.

On top of that, I’ve been dreaming again.  Of a new mountain bike, something I can ill afford until after the wedding, and even then, could I convince the wife (to be?) that £1300-1600 is a good investment in a mountain bike?  I suppose the argument that ‘bigger jumps’ and faster downhills’ will go down well.  However, it will also precipitate an investment in better safety equipment, such as chest and shouolder armour, full-face helmet, reinforced gloves and knee protection.  Plus it’ll keep me fit. Here’s a pic of the dream beast in all it’s green-ness:

Norco Shore Two

A big-hit, full suss mtb that’ll take the abuse I want to dish out.  Why you ask?  Well, my current bike depresses me.  I can’t do the trails I love at the speeds I would like, burning through brake pads quicker because I am frustrated I have to go slower…

It’s a hard thing to quantify.  Especially so as a Christian.  Let me put it like this:

I am a Christian.

I love the extreme sport of aggressive mountain biking (big long downhill trails, technical descents, gnarly climbs that bust lungs).

I am equally into these things.  Can I equate the adrenaline rush of riding on the edge (not literally) to that of being a spirit-filled Christian?  Yes.  But not in the same way.  I feel exhilarated after an awesome ride, I get the views only God could create whilst riding the climbs.  Nothing makes me more content than knowing God is with me when I worship Him, when He speaks to me in those quiet times, when I read the Word, pray, or whatever.

Extreme sport is not a replacement.  When I fly kites, it’s an act of freedom, and worship.  When I ride bikes, it’s riding the countryside God made.  Yet when I do the downhill, it’s the adrenaline.  And yes, God made adrenaline too.  It can make us feel alive.  And when I worship, I feel alive in a different way.

Sorry if this is a meaningless ramble, but to me it makes sense.  Meet me on a trail and I’ll tell you about it.

I really struggled to put this on the website.  I really did.  This is my narrow path, and one I walk every second of every day.  What is it?  My hearing.

I was probably born without the full range of hearing that many people posess.  I understand and empathise with those who do not.  I had glue ear as a child, and this progressed to a permanent perforation in my left ear.  For many years, my left ear always sounded like things were underwater.  My right ear has sustained a slight loss, but negligible compared to the 70-80% of the left.

To make matters worse, I am currently suffering (and yes it is suffering) from a persistent tinnitus in the left ear.  That’s taken care of the remaining 20-30%, and currently makes wearing my hearing aid impractical.

So.  Let’s put two things together.  My hearing - or lack of.  My faith - which should involve miracles.  It’s true, that once I was saved by faith from an infection of the ear that would have destroyed all my hearing, but by the grace of God it did not.  Medical estimates put total loss at around 5-10 years, yet here I am 11 years later still able to hear.  Not as much as in my teens mind you…

How do I get people to understand my hearing loss?  I could tell them to walk around with their fingers in their ears all day.  People quickly forget though.  I could spend the rest of my life asking people to repeat things (usually about 2-3 times before I understand what they’ve said).  But my best strategy is to a: avoid groups and other sound distractions and b: bottle it up.

Yup, you read right.  Every time someone says ‘don’t worry, it wasn’t important’ whenever I ask them to repeat something, I fill with anger and frustration.  Everytime I misunderstand what someone says, usually to my own embarassement, I fill with anger and frustration.  Every time I have to guess what people say (a fair bit of the time), I feel awkward.  If I miss a single point of a conversation, I’m lost.  I’ll just give up there and then.

So I have a lot of anger in me.  And frustration.  Is it worth taking out on someone?  No.  Is it going to change them through encouragement?  No.  I find that never works, but then again, letting people know “I can’t hear you very well, even though you’re talking to my face” never worked for me either.

Going back, when a teacher first noticed i had hearing problems, they said to my parents, ‘He never seems to pay attention, but if you get his attention, he’s lip-reading’.  That’s one of my coping strategies.  I lip read to accentuate the muffled mess that enters my ears.

Okay, now it’s coming to crunch time?  Will God heal me fully?  I have no definitive answer to that.  If not, what is God teaching me?  Patience?  I thought I’d have that one tapped by now.

I have no real understanding of why I was created imperfectly.  Why did God create me without the full range of senses?  No idea.  But I do know that God made me, He loves me, even during those times when I feel absolutely miserable because I’ve let the hearing issue get to me.

It’s a semi-silent world for me.  Most of the rest of the time it’s a muffled mess, excepting the times when I’m with people one-to-one or two-to-one, where I can hear and understand.

This post is an attempt at trying to get people to understand, as much as myself understanding, what it’s like to live with an obvious (to myself) disability.

No wonder I prefer to stick my head in the Bible

Angels surrounding His throne and
Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
The whole earth is full of His glory
All nations bow to His name
His majesty fills the Heavens
Our hearts give thunderous praise
Declare the Lord is forever
Make a joyful noise in this place

Wow. Hiphop is fighting back!

I quite like the new theme.  And yes, I’ve gone back to wordpress.  I’ll be restoring normal transmission soon - I’ve been a bit busy at work.  Got some more photo’s to put online.

I was thinking.  As a Christian, maybe I should be doing more Christian stuff on my website.  I mean, I promote myself as a Christian web developer… So maybe I’ll challenge myself.  Inasmuch as I aim to put at least one photo on the site per weekday, maybe I’ll write one main teaching session per week, and see how that goes.

Just a thought. As ever, your comments are welcome.