My holiday has been screwing around with my mind. I do actually like the night, sometimes I’ll be up as late as I can, other night’s I’ll want to sleep. Tonight’s a mixed night. I’ve been up till 3am the last couple of nights, and haven’t felt the worst for it. Although I have been getting up about lunchtime. It’s mixed because I want to stay up and go to sleep. Not much choice really. I’m downloading some updates for Bibletime, an open source bible reader for KDE, and may go to bed once that’s set up. Got some ambient music going, namely Spheric Lounge, two notable tracks called ‘Strongyle’ and ‘Sunrise Ahead’. Both run around 20-22 minutes, and are great. Strongyle has this wonderful guitar melody, whereas Sunrise Ahead has a great rhythm and pace to it. Plus some awesome vocal samples taken from the real world…

I watched a lot of Simpsons today, and some episodes got me thinking about my current spiritual state (i.e., non-existent). It’s not to say that it’s there in the back of my mind, but yesterday I wanted to give my faith in God another chance. Only if He decides to talk to me a bit more than occasionally. It’s hard to explain what or how for trying to rationale how God speaks, but He’s able to. I just need to stop being so big-headed and listen to Him. Maybe I’ll give church a go this weekend. It’ll be strange. After two months of not going, it’s gonna be real strange to get into the building and meet loads of people I’ve previously refused to speak to recently.

Depression doesn’t help either. Still I’m on meds, and getting therapy. Something struck me which I’ll share with my counsellor : I watched Hulk this last week. Some people may hate it as a film, but I quite like it. It wasn’t ‘AWESOME!!!’, but it’s a darn fine effort. The effects of emotional repression that Bruce Banner had to go through are similar to what I have done. My life is one misunderstanding of human emotion, except on a fairly basic level. I can show happiness, fear, excitement (just get me watching some motorsports), but my biggest downfall is intimacy and compassion. I can do these on a very limited level, but I never feel sorry enough for those whose relative die, for example. Death of a relative is a fairly abstract term to me, and based on my life, and those who know me, the experience of losing a loved one has been diluted.

I remember splitting up with my girlfriend many years ago. I was initially angry (she finished with me), even though to her I had been agreeable, tried to resolve what was causing the split. My initial anger (which I hated) gave rise to a six-month depression. That’s my only experience of personal emotional pain. Still, I am convinced I can grow from this, and move on. Get my life in order, and start to actually acheive.

You might as well know, I am somewhat socially awkward. As I explained before, certain emotional responses I don’t have. Like a replicant (!) … So I am on an internet support group for Avoidant Personality Disorder. I hate being in groups of more than one or two. Church is awkward when trying to talk to people (everyone’s talking in large groups), and if someone I don’t know comes along, I want out, I want to leave in the other direction. I’ve lost cound of the times I’ve just left church straight after a service because I didn’t want the hassle of talking to people. Still, this is an area I need to improve. I don’t know how. Some of this blog will be about getting on in a world where you think everyone knows everyone else but you…

Other times you’re convinced they’re talking about you.

It’s been a long post, Bibletime’s nearly finished, I’ve got a glass of Vodka to finish, and then go to sleep.

BTW Spheric Lounge - check out the site.